In the last few months, I had to deal with the fact that I may suffer from borderline personality disorder (BPD). After talking with my medical team over this possibility, I read a lot on that subject, and I thought a lot about myself in these last few months. It does explain a LOT of past behaviours and reactions. And ever since I became aware of its possibility, I change a lot of stuff in my life to make it better (and it did!).
But there is still one main point characterizing BPD that I have a hard time dealing with: the constant, ever-eternal, chronic feeling of emptiness.
Boooyyyyyyyy do I have that one HARD! And fuck do I hate it.
But…it does explain A LOT in my past: how I was never able to focus on one project at a time (and especially bring it to “completion”/finish); how I was always jumping from one thing to another, never satisfied, never happy after the happy rush from its beginnings; the hard time to focus at school, always happy to start the semester, but always struggling to finish it (let’s not talk about my university grades; the never-ending ADHD side of myself which always struggle to finish anything…fuuuuucccckkkkkkkk!);
So now, I’m trying to see if I can change this point a little. Push myself a little to NOT drop whatever new project/thing I try or start. It’s hard, but if I deal with it one day at a time, I might manage it…
It’s that time of the year, again…The time when just seeing a computer makes my skin crawls, my eyes roll all the way back to the back of my head, and where my brain just…shuts down.
I have that urge again.
The urge to just drop everything tech-related, and isolate myself in a cabin. Far in the woods. Far from society. For at least a month every year (and since I’ve been working in my work field – that is now 18 years! fucking wow!), I’ve always had that “urge” to disconnect and stop touching a computer. Code nothing. Design and play nothing on a computer. Just….not touch a damn computer. Like if my life would stop right there if I touched a computer. Crazy, i know, but that’s the feelings I felt every single time I was/am in that mindset. I kinda find it infuriating. And debilitating. Especially when I need to work, you see. Because, well…I need to gain money to life? And normally, juussstttttt normally, I don’t hate my work?
Yeaaahhhhhh, kinda a bad timing, that urge ?
I also have some physical symptoms, where I want to cry, or puke, or I just become aggressive when I see a computer. Crazy, uh?
So I managed to grab some tips and advice, to survive that period of the year where I just feel like a fucking Luddite:
- no touching a computer outside of work. like: REALLY no touching after I leave the office.
- no reading books or online feeds/blogs/sites related to anything tech/web
- disconnect by watching numb TV shows
- bingeing through my Netflix huge to watch list!
- read! Read, read, reaaaaddddddddd many books: history, scifi, fantasy, etc…
- take walks, and go on urban exploration and photo walks
- just sit on my balcony and watch the clouds move by
- run and play and talk with my daughter
- no tech conference or meetups
- no helping friends with their websites
- go out with my friends
So yeah….it’s that time of the year, again. Lucky for me, this time, it’s happening during summertime. At least I can enjoy tons of outside activities and procrastinating moments in the sun, I guess 😉
Who else has this type of feelings?