A year after

A year after, and I feel better.
Content, at peace, calm and joyful.
A year later, I look back,
All I see is the overcoming of pain.
Brutal pain, the kind of pain like your heart was ripped apart.
Devoured, grinded, and spat back out in tiny parts.

But a year after, the heart still beats.
Steady, strong, and healed.
A year later, I feel slowly awakening.
Rising through the fog of memories.
All I want is to trust and love others,
but I fear it’s too late: the betrayal cutted deep this time.

Still, a year later, I’m hopeful
that I’ll gain my desires back,
for I crave it all, primal and all.
A year after, the brain is done:
done with overthinking, reasoning, and mooding.

Now, all it wants is to be excited again.
The thrills, the surrender, the love, the trust:
That’s all I want, the year after.


On my mental and emotional state so far in 2023…

Realizing, after 6 months, how better I feel overall, on the mental and emotional side of myself:

  • my anxiety is wayyyyyy the fuck down, to a point I have cut my medication by 2/3;
  • I’m happier overall. Caught myself saying “I feel happy” for the first time in YEARS, ostiiiiiii 😂;
  • lose less my shit over mundane stuff;
  • am overall NOT in a dark mood over my work load/personal stuffs, and even if I can get unmotivated from time to time, I am less in a “Flip tables and burn everything” mode over all of my responsibilities;
  • I feel I am more stable and present when dealing with my own teenager;
  • I feel more present for my entourage and close ones;
  • I just feel… content. At peace, not always in a mood to rush towards some random, temporary shots of serotonin and dopamine;
  • I do whatever I want whenever I want, no more “schedule”…
  • I feel better over myself: I don’t feel guilt over not being enough of this or that…

It’s crazy how being alone, with more therapy, can do to someone in just 6 months!!!


2022: the year of a 180° surprise turn in Life

2022… what. a. Fucking. Year! If there is one lesson I relearned hard, it’s this:

Actions speaks louder than words.

And it hurts. It hurts like Hell when you are at the receiving end of hurtful actions, when you have a hard time processing what is happening in the moment, and have to retreat for your emotional and mental safety. Sometimes, retreating to your safe space is the best thing to do for yourself, to regain comprehension over a situation, and decide what to do next.

I am very lucky to be well surrounded, and in a good mental state, to have managed to pass through it, even if I have lost in the process someone I thought was going to stay throughout my life for a damn fucking while. 2022 may end as vastly different as how I started it, but at least I end it proud at myself for standing up for my values and truth.

Quite happy to start 2023 in a peaceful mindset, ready to tackle new challenges. Just…no more emotional ones, ok, Life? Please? 😝

Ces derniers 10 ans…

Mon dieu que les 10 dernieres années furent….WOW

La trentaine; le mariage; la maternité; la parentalité; les 10 projets commencés, et les 9 mourrus au travers de la décennie; la famille; les Repos du Guerrier; la carrière qui avance à petits pas; le syndrôme de l’imposteur; les cycles dépressifs; les crises d’anxiété; les envies de mourrir; les envies de vivre; les up and down émotionnelles; les diagnostics; les traumatismes; les peurs; les insécurités; les abandons; les traitements; la thérapie qui sauve la vie; les Macaques, toujours là; un amour qui te trahit; les meilleurs amis qui partent; le divorce amicale; la coparentalité de groupe; les enfants des autres; la redécouverte de soi; les ambitions réalistes qui reviennent; la petite famille de chats; les amitiés surprises; les hobbies qui changent; la tech; l’infosec qui me passionne à nouveau; la Nano qui grandit et m’émerveille malgré ses crises et anxiétés propre à elle…

J’en oublie, mais en même temps, c’est en mémoire dans ma tête: je constate que la Debbie de 2010 n’est définitivement plus la même que celle qui s’apprête à franchir 2020 et #bientotLaQuarantaine avec sérénité, confiance en elle-même, et bien entourée, tant de ses précieux vieux sages Macaques que de ses nouveaux Macaques.

2019 aura été une année où j’aurai ENFIN “jeter” pas mal tous les “déchets” qu’ils restaient et m’empêchaient d’avancer dans la vie. Cet année finit en force, car de nouveaux commencement me sont arrivés depuis juin, et franchement, il était temps!

À 2020 et la quarantaine: la Pirate est parée à ton abordage, prête à aller cueillir les trésors que tu lui caches 😉


Les dimanches anxieux

Les dimanches après-midi sont les pires moments de ma semaine. Encore pire quand ma fille est chez son père.

C'est LE moment dans ma semaine où une crise d'anxiété a le plus de chance de débuter, m'entrainant dans un flot incessant de pensées anxieuses qui n'ont habituellement

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On dealing with mental health issues: the BPD probability

In the last few months, I had to deal with the fact that I may suffer from borderline personality disorder (BPD). After talking with my medical team over this possibility, I read a lot on that subject, and I thought a lot about myself in these last few months. It does explain a LOT of past behaviours and reactions. And ever since I became aware of its possibility, I change a lot of stuff in my life to make it better (and it did!).

But there is still one main point characterizing BPD that I have a hard time dealing with: the constant, ever-eternal, chronic feeling of emptiness. 

Boooyyyyyyyy do I have that one HARD! And fuck do I hate it.

But…it does explain A LOT in my past: how I was never able to focus on one project at a time (and especially bring it to “completion”/finish); how I was always jumping from one thing to another, never satisfied, never happy after the happy rush from its beginnings; the hard time to focus at school, always happy to start the semester, but always struggling to finish it (let’s not talk about my university grades; the never-ending ADHD side of myself which always struggle to finish anything…fuuuuucccckkkkkkkk!);

So now, I’m trying to see if I can change this point a little. Push myself a little to NOT drop whatever new project/thing I try or start. It’s hard, but if I deal with it one day at a time, I might manage it…


National Coming Out Day

Some of you might not know it but…Yup, I’m on the Queer Side of Life, you all! Always knew I wasn’t a straight woman, but didn’t found my “label” until 2-3 years ago (I’m a genderfluid Pansexual). I am lucky to live in a place where I CAN come out without repercussions on my life. And I am lucky to be surrounded by an amazing tribe that accept me (and others) as we are: authentic, queer and happy. So, to my friends and allies, thank you for being there, too! But for those who can’t come out: we are there for you, if/when you come out. ❤ and all. We will continue to fight for equality of all human beings on this planet.

via my Instagram http://bit.ly/2EcPEu5

Hello! Je m’appelle Debbie, et je souffre de problèmes de santé mentale [Semaine Nationale de la santé mentale]

Avant de commencer, j'aimerais aviser les gens que je vais parler de sujets lourds et traumatisants, incluant l'automutilation et le suicide. J'avise aussi les lecteurs que je parle de mon expérience personelle: si vous connaissez une personne qui pourrait vivre avec des troubles

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