Beyond the Numbness: Small Acts of Resistance in a Fucked World

Numb. That’s the mental state I think I am for the last few weeks. I thought I was unusually happy for the beginning of 2025, but when I came to reflect on my current psychological/mental state earlier today, I realized that…I was actually feeling numb. Nothing. Bleh. Not good.

I thought I was doing fine, that my antidepressant and antipsychotic medication was working wonders for the last 15 months. That I was finally attaining this “Happy” mood for life. But…yeah, no. I’m numb. Where I would normally feel intense waves of emotion – the highs and lows that make me me – there’s just this strange flatness now. It’s like if someone tone down the volume of my emotions to zero: C’est comme si quelqu’un avait baissé le volume de mes émotions jusqu’à zéro.

The state of the world is a lot to take on. In my normal state, i would be a puddle of anxiety and a fucking emotional mess, panicking at how to prep myself for the coming war and general shits coming our ways. But…instead, I just feel numb. I’d be researching emergency supplies, making contingency plans, texting friends at 3am about safe meeting locations. Tabarnac, I’d be feeling something about all this.

I would be panicking right now on how and where to gather my family and friends in time of emergency.

Today, I realize I am numb. And I’m not sure it’s a good thing. My fierceness and agressive combative mood is tamed, I feel like hiding in my coccoon. Yet, I have a kid to fight for. I have to stand strong for her, to show her that the future is not all dark and gloomy… To prove that même quand tout semble fucké, we can still find ways to create light.

Today I wallow in my numbness. I despair at the state of the world.

Tomorrow, I get up and fight. I fight by planting seeds with my daughter in our tiny garden. I fight by calling my representatives. I fight by finding one small beautiful thing each day to share with her. La résistance commence par les petits gestes – the small acts of continuing to live with hope when everything seems hopeless.