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Fuck you 2016…

  

Just have no force to write my 2016 down…

Crappy year, doubled up with a diagnosed severe depression (that is slooowwwllyyyyy receding); combined with a separation that was “the straw that broke the camel”…it was too much. Too many “bottled up” emotions, and lots of accumulated events in the past years made it too much for me to handle.

I cracked. I broke up last spring.

Slowly, but surely, I rebuilt myself with some really trusted close friends and my medical team. Patience, introspection, confronting my fears and patterns accumulated through the years: those were the actions that defined my last summer and fall. To survive, and then start living a little again, I had to do a HUUUGGEEEEE clean-up in my head and my life. Which I started, and am still doing. HUGE, I tell you! People just have no idea how huge…

So, I can say that for the last month, it’s been…better. Oh, not “super-happy-dancing-on-rainbow-and-unicorns” better, but…you get the gist of it. I know I will get better with time, healing, and getting rid of fucking “assholy” people that were poisoning my life for too long. Also, managed to clear up some “life objectives”, and confirmed some life choices I already made in the past (but didn’t totally/publicly assumed, in a way of speaking), and I can now say this: my 2017 will start on a tiny-itsy-bitsy more optimistic way than last year. I should be OK, I am well surrounded, and I now know where I am going.

Bring it on, 2017. I have my fighting gloves on, ready to knock you out ;)

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Daily Chronicles: day…whatever-the-f*ck-it-now-is

  

Random thoughts:

  • NEVER enough coffee in my veins on a Monday morning…
  • Just watched Into the Badlands yesterday…this is a promising show: martial art moves, bad-ass characters, and a damn smoking hot redhead kicking all their butt and being too clever? OF COURSE I’m hooked :P
  • So many people are having a hard time around me this year. THIS is a good reminder to keep in mind.

Links of the day:

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Daily Chronicles: Day one

  

I miss blogging.

Been complaining for months no, years, that I wanted to write more. Blog again.

So fuck it. I decided today that I would restart writing. Even if it’s just a list of tiny details. Daily thoughts and unimportant events for the rest of the world, but oh so important/funny/cool/memorable for me.

Did I say already how I missed blogging?

=====

• November and December are the worse months of the years to get up early for me. I just can’t rise when the sun is not up, and there’s no decent sunlight before 7:30 am…urghhhhh! My inner body clock is all screwed up again!
• Nano’s been sick. Again. Another cold. Urghhhh!
Geekfest MTL has come and gone, and it was a good success. Taking some much needed vacations from it, but ready to attack its planification by January 2016. Should be amazing!
• Did not have time to mention my new job since I started in September: frontend developer at Plank Design, a cool little web agency that’s been running around since almost 18 years. That’s a rarity in IT/Web field! Missed the agency’s beat.
• I miss podcasting. I miss exchanging on different subjects with people. *sigh*

Links of the day
SVG animation vs GIF animated

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In 2014, I learned…

  

In 2014, I learned a lot of things about myself and others.

—–

I learned that I was at an all-time low in my mental health, and almost no one noticed (except two of my close friends). I also learned that I had such a good “poker face” that nobody suspected my degrading state of mind, my moody attitude, my intense drive to get as drunk as possible pretty much anytime I could earlier this year, and my secret desire to dump everything and just run away. Yeah, I kept a lot bottled up inside, and I just…exploded this fall: I was in an apathetic state; I was going nowhere with my current life choices; and I was slowly forgetting about me in all this ‘parenthood’ adventure. I just needed a break, needed time to think about what I really wanted in life, and just go for it.

Which I did: getting back into the GeekfestMTL (in a new position that shouldn’t take as much time as my previous position in the first two editions); started drawing and photographing again; finally attacking that huge pile of books and magazines I kept pushing in the future; taking some “alone” vacations out of town; writing; meeting new people and making new friends; and started training and exercising again, gaining back a healthier body in return for the hard work.

For 2015, I’ll keep this creative and healthy path. It made me happy again by the end of 2014, and I think it will keep me happy for next year :D

—–

I learned about the fragility of friendship. Oh, and that your “friends” can laugh about any of your choices, tastes and life decisions, but you can’t laugh about theirs.

One of those lessons in 2014 I learned the hard way.

But on the good side, it made me re-evaluate all the people in my network last year, and see who could really be called “friend” (and belong to my tribe). A couple of old friends were eliminated from my daily life and contact, and a surprising amount of acquaintances became really close in the last few months. I was also lucky to meet new ones, whom grew to be really close, and who gave me some nice advice to reflect on. I may have lost people I called “family” (and damn did it hurt!), but I gained remarkable people along the way. Damn lucky I am to have these new friends in my tribe, and to still have some awesome close friends that managed to help and motivate me. I am surrounded by awesome people!

And for 2015, I’ll start this amazing year with them, and we’ll have an awesome time! Because my tribe rocks!

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Where did my summer go? o.O

  

Soooooooooooo. It’s almost the end of August, and no update from my part here. What a busy summer it had been!

Started a new job in June, and got another episode of zona in the last two weeks (this one pretty painful, a first).

Still running like a chicken without a head around, running after my time and the daughter.

On the social life front, thought, it’s been pretty quiet: a couple of nights out with friends, but since I started my new job, I was pretty much too tired to go out a lot. It was mostly a “cocooning” summer at home.

And now, what’s next this fall for me? A first: no university, no back-to-school fever for me! I know, some of my friends have bets going on, on when I’ll be back in school (seems like I can’t stop loving school), but seriously, I think I’m done for at least 5 years: just enough time for the “study itch” becomes too intense for me :P

Otherwise, I’ll also be starting a new personal project, related to my field of work. More info on that later this fall :D

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All I need this winter is a nice cup of tea. And hugs. And talks.

  

I feel weird. I feel down. I feel empty. I feel bored. I feel hyper. I feel tired. I feel happy. I feel intense. I feel alone. I feel too surrounded. I feel bouncy. I feel cold. I feel energetic. I feel exhausted. I’m a bundle of weird emotions, all making me think these days.

I don’t know why, but I have a bit of the winter blues. Especially this year, I felt it hitting harder, or maybe I’m just seeing this now about myself? No clue, but still, trying to make myself smile at the tiny daily stuffs that happens in my life helps: my daughter laughing hard at a new thing; the husband just hanging around, playing with the kid or talking to me; the cats taking adorable poses so I just can’t say no to scratching their bellies; taking my first cup of coffee of the day as I look the sun rises up outside…Tiny stuffs that keep me smiling, at least that a good thing!

But I kept feeling…weird, in a indescribable way since my daughter was born almost three years ago. Or maybe a little bit before we even considered having a kid. I feel like I’m searching for myself, not sure what I’m actually doing is the right thing. The only thing that is quite right – and holding me together, I guess – is my own family, the one I create in the last few years. Our ‘trinity’, in a way: The Husband, Nano, and myself. THAT makes me all warm and cuddly inside.

I kinda feel like I would throw everything else as far away as possible from me. Start anew. But I’m also tired of this “new”, of always waiting up for ‘new events’, new ‘experiences’ to come up to me. I’m tired of waiting for something that I don’t know if it will finally satisfy me. I’m also tired of these ‘new year, new you’ things, always thinking “well, maybe it WILL be my year to shine and thrive”, always searching about me, who I am, what I want to do, what I want to leave as a ‘mark’ in the world…

I’m tired of keeping this all in my head, I guess. I feel like I’ve been ramblings nonsense in my head for decades. Stuffs I never said to anyone, stuffs I keep inside but maybe shouldn’t. I have a friend who told me he started seeing a psychologist in the last couple of months, and it seems to make him a little better. Maybe that would help me too. Unloads stuffs, seek advice from an unrelated person of my entourage.

Or maybe I just need tons of hugs. And a cup of tea around a nice table of friends, just talking away. For now, I consider it would make me quite happy and content.

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Retrospective sur mes résolutions 2013

  

Pour 2013, je me souhaite de continuer ces bonnes habitudes, mais aussi d’en acquérir des nouvelles:
– apprendre à faire de la conserve et du cannage (je me suis achetée quelques livres sur le sujet, et mes confitures me confirment que je suis sur la bonne voie)
– commencer un jardin de fines herbes
– faire du troc avec des dumpsters divers: ils m’amènent de la bouffe, et je fais pleins de cannages/conserves/plats pour eux et moi! (Contactez-moi si ça vous intéresse ;) )

Ouais ben, on peut dire que je n’ai rien fait de tout ce que j’avais en tête côté résolutions culinaire 2013! À part mes confitures aux fraises et framboises (qui ont fait fureur avec ma gardienne ;P ), j’ai très peu fait de cannage et conserve, par paresse; je n’ai pas du tout commencer de jardin de fines herbes; et je n’ai trouvé personne avec qui justement faire du troc de conserves en échange de nourriture :P Mais bon, peut-être vais-je avoir du temps en 2014 pour faire mes expérimentations culinaire?

Je dois dire, par contre, que j’ai maintenu ma ligne directrice côté cuisine et recettes: le plus souvent homemade et non du “tout préparé”, pas beaucoup de fast food, bien que beaucoup de sorties aux restaurants (je blâme ma communauté Yelp de m’avoir donné le goût de sortir au resto et faire des critiques ;) )

—–

Sinon, voici la liste de mes résolutions que j’avais prit en 2013, et voyons voir si je les ai tenus:

Donner une conférence dans mon domaine de travail

Oui bon, on peut l’oublier celle-là! Je ne l’ai pas du tout tenue. Même que j’ai eu la trouille juste à y penser! Le syndrôme de l’imposteur, vous connaissez? Ben je l’ai vu revenir dans mon psyché big time en 2013!!! Je n’arrivais juste pas à trouver de sujets sur lesquels élaborer une session pour une conférence tech/web, trouvant toujours quelqu’un qui l’avait fait/mieux fait auparavant dans une autre conférence, me sentant trop nulle pour même oser penser discuter sur un sujet tech/web quelconque. Mais je dois admettre que l’idée de faire une session en combo avec une autre personne m’attire. Peut-être pour 2014?

M’améliorer au travail

Oui…et non. Autant en 2013, j’ai réussit à exécuter le redesign de notre site web au boulot, autant j’ai commencé à ressentir la solitude d’être toujours seule à la maison, sans autre support moral/technique ni équipe web avec qui échanger sur les problèmatiques de mon emploi. Je l’avoue, j’ai souvent soupiré en repensant avec nostalgie à la merveilleuse équipe web que j’avais du temps que je travaillais avec Émile, Yanik, Stéphane, Josianne, Aude, Anne-Caroline, Carl… chez Branchez-Vous! C’est la seule chose dont je m’ennuie énormément (avoir des collègues envers qui me retourner pour leur poser des questions, ou juste lancer des avions de papier), et bien que j’ai souvent organisé des sessions de co-working à la maison avec mes amis travailleurs autonomes, reste que sur le plan d’échange technique/web, ça me manque. J’ai remarqué que ça a beaucoup joué sur ma motivation, et c’est bien quelque chose que je veux améliorer en 2014.

Réoganiser ma présence virtuelle

HAHHAHAHAHHAH Biggest. LOL. EVER!!! Moi qui voulait abandonner Facebook: Fail! Moi qui voulait passer moins de temps sur les médias sociaux: MÉGA-fail! Ma solitude et mon manque d’interactions humaine et sociale m’ont tellement poussé vers les médias sociaux que je n’ai pas du tout prit mes distances, je m’y suis COLLÉE! Et en 2013, beaucoup, BEAUCOUP de monde m’ont fait hurler et grimper aux rideaux tellement j’y ai lu des inepties, des niaiseries, des mensonges, des extravagances, des aberrations, des chicanes, des mémèrages, etc… Bref, 2014, on décroche un peu SVP???

Continuer à bien manger, bien cuisiner, et m’intéresser au compost, jardinage et cannage

Résolution à peu près tenu si on considère que je mange mieux, prend le temps de cuisiner pas mal tous nos repas, et m’informe sur tout ce qui entre dans nos assiettes. Ah, et je me suis inscrite aux Fermes Lufa et encourage cette entreprise locale d’agriculture urbaine: un panier de légumes et fruits frais bio à chaque semaine, ma grosse B.A. de l’année je trouve!

Me remettre au dessin

J’étais bien partie pour recommencer à dessiner, grâce à l’initiative d’un ami sur Facebook (M.A.L.), mais par manque de temps, j’ai abandonnée. On se réessaie en 2014? Surtout que Nano semble avoir la fibre créative artistique elle aussi :D

Prendre des cours d’hindi et/ou arabe

Résolution semi-tenu en 2013, du fait que je n’ai pas prit des cours de l’angues, mais reprit mes études universitaires en Histoire à la place. Mais bon, ceci est un autre FAIL qui sera gardé pour une autre fois…

Plus de sport!

HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA on passe à un autre appel…

Mieux consommer et dépenser

Pas mal respecté dans son ensemble: j’ai tenté d’acheter le plus local/bio/organique possible, et je me suis restreinte au niveau des envies coup-de-tête du moment. Par contre, encore une bonne amélioration est à faire pour 2014.

Passer au travers de ma pile de livres

Euh…FAIL! J’ai juste rajouter PLUS de livres dans mon To Read list…

Have fun!

Ah ça, ce fut respecter À.La.Lettre! J’ai eu énormément de plaisir en 2013 à découvrir de nouveaux endroits, à passer du temps avec ma fille, mon mari et mes amis, et à découvrir de nouvelles personnes rencontrées au gré des hasards de l’Internet (des nouvelles connections sur Facebook, Twitter, Yelp, etc…). Je voulais diversifier mon groupe de connaissances et d’amis en 2013, et je considère que c’est réussit. Maintenant, continuer à connaître tout ce beau monde encore mieux, et faire de belles rencontres en 2014!