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All I need this winter is a nice cup of tea. And hugs. And talks.

  

I feel weird. I feel down. I feel empty. I feel bored. I feel hyper. I feel tired. I feel happy. I feel intense. I feel alone. I feel too surrounded. I feel bouncy. I feel cold. I feel energetic. I feel exhausted. I’m a bundle of weird emotions, all making me think these days.

I don’t know why, but I have a bit of the winter blues. Especially this year, I felt it hitting harder, or maybe I’m just seeing this now about myself? No clue, but still, trying to make myself smile at the tiny daily stuffs that happens in my life helps: my daughter laughing hard at a new thing; the husband just hanging around, playing with the kid or talking to me; the cats taking adorable poses so I just can’t say no to scratching their bellies; taking my first cup of coffee of the day as I look the sun rises up outside…Tiny stuffs that keep me smiling, at least that a good thing!

But I kept feeling…weird, in a indescribable way since my daughter was born almost three years ago. Or maybe a little bit before we even considered having a kid. I feel like I’m searching for myself, not sure what I’m actually doing is the right thing. The only thing that is quite right – and holding me together, I guess – is my own family, the one I create in the last few years. Our ‘trinity’, in a way: The Husband, Nano, and myself. THAT makes me all warm and cuddly inside.

I kinda feel like I would throw everything else as far away as possible from me. Start anew. But I’m also tired of this “new”, of always waiting up for ‘new events’, new ‘experiences’ to come up to me. I’m tired of waiting for something that I don’t know if it will finally satisfy me. I’m also tired of these ‘new year, new you’ things, always thinking “well, maybe it WILL be my year to shine and thrive”, always searching about me, who I am, what I want to do, what I want to leave as a ‘mark’ in the world…

I’m tired of keeping this all in my head, I guess. I feel like I’ve been ramblings nonsense in my head for decades. Stuffs I never said to anyone, stuffs I keep inside but maybe shouldn’t. I have a friend who told me he started seeing a psychologist in the last couple of months, and it seems to make him a little better. Maybe that would help me too. Unloads stuffs, seek advice from an unrelated person of my entourage.

Or maybe I just need tons of hugs. And a cup of tea around a nice table of friends, just talking away. For now, I consider it would make me quite happy and content.

3 Comments

  1. Hey Deb :) I’m sending you virtual hugs. I know what you mean about wanting yet not wanting “new”. This post hit a cord. It seems like we’re expected to always want something better, and even outside of expectation we want that anyway. It’s hard to be content, but really, what the point and need of searching and striving. I’m all about being better, getting better myself and all, but I feel that I sometimes forget to just wait and say, it’s alright right now, if it was just like this forever :-)

    Thanks for expressing this. I have felt most of that myself (of course, minus my own family)

    Love xoxo

    • Hey Nicky! Long time no see/talk!

      Thanks for the virtual hugs, always appreciated :D

      Also, I guess there is also the fact that I feel like I hit a wall, the wall of adulthood. I’ve come to realize that, with a kid, a job, bills to pay, less ‘partying’ than before, no more school for me, I have become a ‘fully fledged’ adult, and I still have difficulties coming to grip with this little fact. I guess I am trying to cope with this new ‘status’, or my brain is just going crazy because it’s just realizing NOW that, “HEY, you’re an adult!”. My emotions are all mixed up on this new status of myself, I guess. And the fact that it happens during winter, on cold times, where I don’t get to see tons of people, make me feel down.

  2. Deb,
    gros calins en attendant de t’en donner en vrai en février. Je pense que tout le monde se tappe des périodes de transitions au nouvel an, et de temps en temps certaines années sont plus fortes que d’autres et au lieu de revenir sur l’an d’avant tout d’un coup c’est les derniers 15ans. Des fois on se retrouve pas dans la vie qu’on avait pensé et ca prend du temps pour balancer où tu pensait aller et ou tu t’es retrouvée! Même si c’est merveilleux, c’est comme le contraitre de ce que tu avais préparé. Je te lève ma tasse de thé (kusmi kashmir tchai) et je pense à toi! xxx

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