I feel weird. I feel down. I feel empty. I feel bored. I feel hyper. I feel tired. I feel happy. I feel intense. I feel alone. I feel too surrounded. I feel bouncy. I feel cold. I feel energetic. I feel exhausted. I’m a bundle of weird emotions, all making me think these days.
I don’t know why, but I have a bit of the winter blues. Especially this year, I felt it hitting harder, or maybe I’m just seeing this now about myself? No clue, but still, trying to make myself smile at the tiny daily stuffs that happens in my life helps: my daughter laughing hard at a new thing; the husband just hanging around, playing with the kid or talking to me; the cats taking adorable poses so I just can’t say no to scratching their bellies; taking my first cup of coffee of the day as I look the sun rises up outside…Tiny stuffs that keep me smiling, at least that a good thing!
But I kept feeling…weird, in a indescribable way since my daughter was born almost three years ago. Or maybe a little bit before we even considered having a kid. I feel like I’m searching for myself, not sure what I’m actually doing is the right thing. The only thing that is quite right – and holding me together, I guess – is my own family, the one I create in the last few years. Our ‘trinity’, in a way: The Husband, Nano, and myself. THAT makes me all warm and cuddly inside.
I kinda feel like I would throw everything else as far away as possible from me. Start anew. But I’m also tired of this “new”, of always waiting up for ‘new events’, new ‘experiences’ to come up to me. I’m tired of waiting for something that I don’t know if it will finally satisfy me. I’m also tired of these ‘new year, new you’ things, always thinking “well, maybe it WILL be my year to shine and thrive”, always searching about me, who I am, what I want to do, what I want to leave as a ‘mark’ in the world…
I’m tired of keeping this all in my head, I guess. I feel like I’ve been ramblings nonsense in my head for decades. Stuffs I never said to anyone, stuffs I keep inside but maybe shouldn’t. I have a friend who told me he started seeing a psychologist in the last couple of months, and it seems to make him a little better. Maybe that would help me too. Unloads stuffs, seek advice from an unrelated person of my entourage.
Or maybe I just need tons of hugs. And a cup of tea around a nice table of friends, just talking away. For now, I consider it would make me quite happy and content.