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Relax, just do it…

  

…so I finally did it. I have add a second major in urban studies. I’m a bit scared. I’m scared I will do another program that is ‘pointless’ by the end I finish it, or that I lose the interest during my studies…*Sigh* Oh, well, at least I have to try it.

I’m almost finish with school this semester. Monday is my last exam, and I still have a paper to finish for tomorrow morning. Me and my lousy lazy ass. And then, summer school. Bought my book for the religion course, and I already read the first chapter. Interesting, about ancient religions in Antiquity (say Greek and Roman, mostly! :P ). Anyway, tomorrow, I’m going to pass the day with my mom, and then this week-end it will be pretty relax, only studying for the monday exam. Then, I’ll have to find a job, fast, and by the next week-end, a huge party at Derek’s house, with some of his frat & sorority girls that we have to beat by over-drinking them. *Sigh* such an easy task! :P

oh, and I did the
My Personal Dna Report
. Quite me, i must admit. For a while now, I feel good and keep making myself become a better person. I think it’s starting to show!

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I like rainy days!

  

It’s grey outside, and I don’t feel sad or depressive. I really like rainy days, it’s the best days to go walk outside: no people on the sidewalk, everyone is inside their house, so you can peek inside and watch them live.

Anyway, I finally have my 2nd general education course: religions of the west. I have just realized that my first class, intro to classical archaeology, will not be counted in my general education courses because my specialization, History, is in the same category of class as classical archaeology. Damn! Anyway, I’ll be with a friend Helenka in the class, so it will be enjoyable.

This week-end have been pretty much realx. Didn’t do anything related to school, been walking and seeing my boyfriend a lot. Oh, and friday night, when I came back from Schwartz with Nicole, Burnie and Frank, I have fallen asleep pretty early. And I haven’t been up until 10 am the next morning! I was dead from the studying for my exam of friday.

So, here is the list of my class – official – of this summer:

– RELZ 214: Religions of the West

– HIST 205: History of Canada after 1867

– HIST 262: History of China

– FFAR 398S: Foundations of drawing and painting

And for this fall and winter, my schedule is not yet confirm, because I have to decide if I had my second major of urban studies or not. I really can’t decide if I had one more year of school or not. But the classes seem cool!

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The fucking ‘pill’ and other news

  

I am sooooo tired. I don’t know why. I know I’m not sick. I guess it’s the fucking pill…again.

I’ve been having some discussions with a couple of my friends recently about the contraceptive pill. That fucking pill. A tiny pill to take once a day, for three weeks, and a week of break. Needless to say, after 8 years of taking it…I’m getting sick of using it.

I learned years ago about the possible effects and side-effects of the pill on our body. I never really took the time to think about it, or how I was feeling on the pill. But, since a year or two, i’ve been observing my body. And by talking with my doctors (family doctor and my gyneco), I realized that many the pill wasn’t for me anymore. The side-effects I’ve been getting are getting scary: migraines during my ‘bleedy’ week; huge mood swings that make me want to kill my friends and people around me; a lot of depression; sleepyness and fatigue, even when I did nothing hard during the day; water retention and weight gain; etc.

I’m getting tired of having a dangerous mood all the time, having depression thoughts and dark ideas…This isn’t me, I know I am a happy person. Yes, some friends might tell you that I am a moody, bitchy person somtimes (‘all the time’ the cynicals will tell!), and that I had a hardcore life before, which result with a lot of personal problems I am now working on to resolve, but I just can’t believe how depressing I can get sometimes. It’s not me, it’s not normal, and I need to know if the fucking pill is getting me depressed. And I can’t have some sex to relieve all the tension, cause the libido is at ‘zero’ since forever. It’s not normal that the only time I really want to have sex is when i’m in my periods. That’s just not normal.

I have decided to stop the pill, just to see if I am feeling better. A 6-months break. To see his my mood improve. And the rest. I’m scared of pregnancy, but there is a couple of safe methods that I will use. I’m just scared of the changes it will bring in my life. I also need to talk about it with my boyfriend. He says he approved me, whatever the method I will take. I really have a loving man who try to help me hard.

Sorry about this post for the sensible minds in here, but I had to exteriorize it. Anayway, for the men outside reading it, it could give you an interesting point of view on contraceptions and the effects on the woman body.

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On the other news, the Easter week-end was boring.

Well, I did see my family this week-end, and it was agreeable. Nothing too boring, nothing too extreme with them. I am happy to see that talking back with them is making me feel better about myself. After a break of 4-5 years with the family,

I came to realize some pretty harsh lessons of life: I can’t change the people if they don’t want to change, it has to come from the inside; they can’t change who I really am and how I want to live my life, they just have to accept it; it is then easier to live with my family since both sides have accept these facts and just try to live with it. Never had anyone yelled or screamed at me for ‘breaking up’ for a while, living my life away from them. They just seemed to accept it, and I have observed some changes in them too. My mother and my aunts matured, they have finally accept they are adults, and mothers of almost-adult kids. I feel I am getting close, now, to adulthood, finally accepting the fact that I am now not a kid anymore, but not an adult stuck in a kid’s body trying to be the adult in my relationship with my mother. I feel we are getting back our initial role, me and mom: me being the kid, her being the mother.

I have live the last 7 years quite hard, doing some pretty stupid stuffs, enjoying life as it came, and trying to forget my childhood. I can now say that I am getting older, wiser, and happier, just by the fact that I am healing and all the memories that was sequesting my mind and thoughts aren’t troubling me anymore. I like that. I really do.

Other than those thoughts occupying my mind, I had a nice party last friday night. Interesting game of ‘I never…’, learned a lot of stuffs – that I didn’t want to know in some cases! – about the other people. And I think there was a guy who was getting more and more interested in me…*sigh* I hate those situations :P

Anyway, the rest of the week-end have been relax, I haven’t studied in a while (I should!). I need my vacations now!

and this post isn’t as long as those of Jeremy, but i’ll be able one day to beat his texts’ lenght…one day, Jeremy, one day :P

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Is it me who is getting well or…

  

everyone around me seems to be seeking a new life. New life in love, work, school, traveling, etc…As I go out of my phase and get better with myself and finally accepting my past, every one seems to be seeking something…mostly happiness. I guess it is the winter’s effect, where everybody is waking up to life and wondering where the hell they were the last few months?!!

So many people seems to be ‘lost’, seeking their interior nature and struggling with their misfortunes. It seems to be a pattern with us, the young generation. All of my friends – except one or two who are hidding it very well! – are in a search of happiness…it’s crazy. Not that I don’t want to help my friends, but I can,t help but feel a certain distress for the life we seem to get on. Is it the adulthood that is frightening the lot of them? Is it the ideal model of life proposed by society that gives us the creeps? I really don’t know. I just find it creepy that everyone is questioning the type of life we are all engaging ourselves in…Relationship, friendship, work, mariage, babies, house, etc… This cycle seems to frighten a lot of us. I don’t want to engage myself in this type of life, and have decided so, but some of my friends can’t see that they can escape this model of life, create their own…

Sighm I guess it will be better as the sun comes back in our life…

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I can’t believe, after this paper, i’ll be finally free of this course! Ancient Near East course…what a bunch of crap! I just can’t believe it. I thought it was a course about history, but it was mostly about studying rubbish, and stones leftover of old, old buildings that ressemble more of a mountain today…I just can’t wait to finish this crap and be done with it.

Of course, like always, I don’t want to study. Actually, yes, I want to, but not Ancient Near East paper…*sigh* guess I really need a week of doing nothing.

Also, after Easter, i’ll have to concentrate to find a job for the summer. If I could actually find a job at my cégep, that would be ideal. It was so boring and so easy, I would have some time to study on the job. I’ll have to talk with my boss about that.

And it’s snowy outside… fucking snow. I love winter, but I need sun and a little bit of heat right now!

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update on me

  

Well, guess it is the quiet before the storm. End of semester is upon us, and I don’t feel the stress…yet! I have a couple of papers to do (4), and only 2 exams to study after Easter. It will be an easy end for me. I know, compared to others, I’m well off. But I still can’t wait to the – week! – of vacations I will haev between my winter and summer semesters. I will just do nothing, or maybe find a job for this summer…except that, the nothingness awaits me!

I’ve bought Madonna’s latest cd yesterday. Except two songs, I really like this album. Very dancy, and I almost wanna dance on the songs. Almost. :P

Yesterday, I went shopping downtown with my mother. I still don’t know how I feel on that…I mean, it’s been four years that I haven’t spoken to her, nor wanted to see her. I was pissed off for everything she did to me in my life…but, guess I still have some place in my heart to forgive her and give her a last chance. She does seem interest in taking care of me a bit, and not trying to be my best friend. She also seemed to accept more the fact that she is growing older, and that I am an adult. I guess it will finally be ok in the long time for our mother-daughter relationship, but it will need a lot of working on both sides to heal the deep wounds. My boyfriend is proud of me and he keep telling me he will always be being to support me.

I really hope I can now say that it will finally be ok in my life.