I am sooooo tired. I don’t know why. I know I’m not sick. I guess it’s the fucking pill…again.
I’ve been having some discussions with a couple of my friends recently about the contraceptive pill. That fucking pill. A tiny pill to take once a day, for three weeks, and a week of break. Needless to say, after 8 years of taking it…I’m getting sick of using it.
I learned years ago about the possible effects and side-effects of the pill on our body. I never really took the time to think about it, or how I was feeling on the pill. But, since a year or two, i’ve been observing my body. And by talking with my doctors (family doctor and my gyneco), I realized that many the pill wasn’t for me anymore. The side-effects I’ve been getting are getting scary: migraines during my ‘bleedy’ week; huge mood swings that make me want to kill my friends and people around me; a lot of depression; sleepyness and fatigue, even when I did nothing hard during the day; water retention and weight gain; etc.
I’m getting tired of having a dangerous mood all the time, having depression thoughts and dark ideas…This isn’t me, I know I am a happy person. Yes, some friends might tell you that I am a moody, bitchy person somtimes (‘all the time’ the cynicals will tell!), and that I had a hardcore life before, which result with a lot of personal problems I am now working on to resolve, but I just can’t believe how depressing I can get sometimes. It’s not me, it’s not normal, and I need to know if the fucking pill is getting me depressed. And I can’t have some sex to relieve all the tension, cause the libido is at ‘zero’ since forever. It’s not normal that the only time I really want to have sex is when i’m in my periods. That’s just not normal.
I have decided to stop the pill, just to see if I am feeling better. A 6-months break. To see his my mood improve. And the rest. I’m scared of pregnancy, but there is a couple of safe methods that I will use. I’m just scared of the changes it will bring in my life. I also need to talk about it with my boyfriend. He says he approved me, whatever the method I will take. I really have a loving man who try to help me hard.
Sorry about this post for the sensible minds in here, but I had to exteriorize it. Anayway, for the men outside reading it, it could give you an interesting point of view on contraceptions and the effects on the woman body.
On the other news, the Easter week-end was boring.
Well, I did see my family this week-end, and it was agreeable. Nothing too boring, nothing too extreme with them. I am happy to see that talking back with them is making me feel better about myself. After a break of 4-5 years with the family,
I came to realize some pretty harsh lessons of life: I can’t change the people if they don’t want to change, it has to come from the inside; they can’t change who I really am and how I want to live my life, they just have to accept it; it is then easier to live with my family since both sides have accept these facts and just try to live with it. Never had anyone yelled or screamed at me for ‘breaking up’ for a while, living my life away from them. They just seemed to accept it, and I have observed some changes in them too. My mother and my aunts matured, they have finally accept they are adults, and mothers of almost-adult kids. I feel I am getting close, now, to adulthood, finally accepting the fact that I am now not a kid anymore, but not an adult stuck in a kid’s body trying to be the adult in my relationship with my mother. I feel we are getting back our initial role, me and mom: me being the kid, her being the mother.
I have live the last 7 years quite hard, doing some pretty stupid stuffs, enjoying life as it came, and trying to forget my childhood. I can now say that I am getting older, wiser, and happier, just by the fact that I am healing and all the memories that was sequesting my mind and thoughts aren’t troubling me anymore. I like that. I really do.
Other than those thoughts occupying my mind, I had a nice party last friday night. Interesting game of ‘I never…’, learned a lot of stuffs – that I didn’t want to know in some cases! – about the other people. And I think there was a guy who was getting more and more interested in me…*sigh* I hate those situations
Anyway, the rest of the week-end have been relax, I haven’t studied in a while (I should!). I need my vacations now!
and this post isn’t as long as those of Jeremy, but i’ll be able one day to beat his texts’ lenght…one day, Jeremy, one day